tl;dr: I turned 50 as my son approaches 14, a traditional age for initiation. I’m sharing reflections from the second half of life. This is a letter about spirit, responsibility, failure, faith, and what it means to live in right relationship with a world that is fully alive.
Scroll to the end for some announcements and opportunities for engagement.
I turned 50 earlier this year. I really wanted to write about it. But it turned out I wasn’t ready. I’ve been letting 50 simmer. I want to write my son a note on what I’ve learned about life. His own birthday is coming up at the end of July. He will be turning 14. He is right in the traditional age range for rites of passage and initiation (between 13-16). This feels like the right time.
These are just some notes for my son from the second half of life.
Son,
As I reflect on 50, I understand that I’m not the only one moving through a milestone. You are going through a milestone too. You are now of the age for rites of passage and initiation. As you turn towards manhood, I want to share some notes on what I’ve learned so far.
A Power Greater than Yourself
First and foremost, know this: there is a power greater than yourself.
It is the Creative Life Force of the Universe. And it is itself alive. It is the creative intelligence that gives form to it all. It will always be a mystery. And it merits reverence, worship and awe. This is a good posture for a human being. We are a relational species. And it serves us well to be in humble relationship before the mystery.
I suffer through recurring bouts of grandiosity. But life finds its way to humble me. Taking a humble posture before my higher power has been the best antidote to my ailment.
Learn to say thanks and ask for help.
These are the simplest of prayers:
Thank you
and
Please Help Me.
These prayers are relational. But here’s the paradox: the one we pray to is also not separate from us.
There Really is Only Oneness
It might seem a contradiction, to speak of a higher power and then to get into oneness. But oneness is all that there is.
Happiness. Truth. Freedom. And Peace. Already here, already whole, all within you.
Look inside and you will find it.
Materialism is a Helpful Lie.
Both can be true at the same time.
It can be helpful to see things as things. To separate things so we can move, re-organize and use things.
But we are inherently animistic. Whether we are aware of it or not. We know, we SENSE, what our ancestors always knew. That everything is connected to everything else. That the river has a spirit and the mountain has a spirit. That when a bird flies above it means something. And that if you talk to a tree and wait long enough to listen, the tree will talk back to you.
The world is teeming with aliveness. And it’s not an abstract aliveness. Every being has a story, a presence, a lesson. An animal. A mushroom. A flower. A rock. An herb. Everything is alive. Everything is related to everything else.
Life becomes a well lived life when you are in right-relationship with spirit, creature and planet.
A dance of reciprocity
with
All of the forces
Seen and unseen
Who are always with us
And rise up to meet us
When our intention is high
And our prayer is strong
Aim for Wholeness not Perfection
I’ve spent too much of my life trying to be good. And I’ve failed too many times. I have failed in terrible and shameful ways. But to come to know your wholeness is to know all is included. Even your darkness and your failures. They are essential to the story.
Our failings are consequential. There are costs. The costs are high. And not only ours to bear. But life includes all of it. Life is radically whole. A perfect dance of imperfection.
We are responsible
In the same way that we have to come to terms with the fact that we die, we get sick, we get old, and we lose what we love. We must come to terms with the inescapable fact that we are responsible for the consequences of our actions. And in this way, our actions are all that we own.
And since we’ve been hurt before, by the brutality of life and its terms, we don’t always move from wisdom when we act. We are often selfish. More often scared. We don’t trust. So we take.
We tend to tell ourselves stories that make us right and others wrong. We have an epic capacity for self-deception. It’s really, really hard to look honestly at ourselves.
But no matter what happened, no matter whose fault, no matter what conditions we are born into, from capitalism to heartbreaking homes. We are responsible for what we do with it all. At least once we have a say. Once we stop being children, and we are grown.
So always, always, take responsibility for your actions. Face forward towards your mistakes. Even to unfair interpretations of what might have been an honest mistake.
Own your part.
Don’t let shame linger. But accept guilt when there is guilt. Guilt is the honest voice that says: I did something wrong. Shame is the self-deceptive voice that says: I am wrong.
Take responsibility. And do all you can to make things right. Start by asking God for help. And make sure you own your shit aloud, with trembling voice, before God and at least one person you trust.
Shame loses power when spoken aloud.
Shame loses power when spoken aloud.
Shame loses power when spoken aloud.
Clean up your side of the street. And know that you’ll have to do so again, and again, and again. We sign up for a lifelong rhythm or spiritual hygiene. I have wasted too much wishful thinking in the hopes that one day “I’ll get it” and then “I’ll be done.” That I might get to some sort of “awakened cruise time” and all will be easy from then on.
I tremble before the idea of making any mistake like the ones I’ve already made. I’m doing my very best. But I have no idea about what other shadows lurk. I don’t know what new mistakes lie ahead. I cannot in any way claim to be humble. But I’m aiming for humility. And it is only humility that allows me to move past this paralyzing fear of my own fallibility.
There are real consequences. There is real pain. And I am responsible for the role I play.
I’m not saying that no one is ever a victim. Terrible things happen to innocent and undeserving people literally all of the time. Every.Single.Day.
What I’m saying is that we each also play a role in the darkness of it all. Know what is right and what is wrong, but be wary of any narrative that makes any person, or any people purely innocent. And another purely evil.
When we accept that this sacred wholeness includes the shadows and darkness, that destruction is part of the cycle. It is then that we come to learn that the Creative Life Force is supremely benevolent. And this is how we begin to trust it. And through trust, we grow in faith. We learn we can ask for help. That we can find others who want and have what we are looking for.
Faith is the opposite of fear.
And faith means no matter what.
When we grow in faith we relinquish control. When we relinquish control we let go of anxiety. Faith does not mean that all will turn out as we want. It means that all turns out as it has to.
Faith means that there is meaning. It means that there is a path that makes sense. And that it makes sense no matter the outcome. Because the path of meaning is the one where we are truly alive.
Should Grace allow me a long life, I want my son and loved ones to be able to say:
That guy kept growing in love.
That guy kept growing in faith.
That guy woke up each day and tried to turn his life and will over to the care of God.
Oh! Poor guy. There were some things he just could not get right. But wow, what a blessed guy, he really learned how to try.
Next week I’ll share more on meditation, prayer, ritual, awakening, wayfinders, teachers & mentors, service, ideology and action.
Elena, you are always so generous. Please know that your comments, reflections, and encouragement are really important to my heart. And yes, you're right. We are in a constant state of initiation!
This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing it with all of us.