There was a story I often told myself about a person in my life who rocked my world and hurt me to my core. It forced me to pivot in life and made me resentful because I did not see my choice in it. Over time, I thought my verdict of this person gave me distance, safety and even a sense of strength but I now know it kept me closer to it and also weakened parts of me. It became my biggest blind spot. While I gained many blessings from this redirection in life I still felt incomplete and owed and that made me even more resentful. I recently gave myself space to feel through it and to release its hold on me. I can see now how it could have continued to impede my growth if I allowed it to. But I chose to stop burying myself underneath that story and instead lift each heavy rock to find out what was underneath it all. A me that was hurt, a me that loves, a me that gets to choose, a higher self that listens, discerns and consoles.
https://borsin.substack.com/p/good-nights-sleep
I read the word resentment and the image of a serpent, coiled and hissing, rises.
A pinched and scowling face. My own.
A wounded wolf in a trap, snarling and ready to kill.
Resentment is bared fang towards the other
that motherfucker who made me feel less than
that bitch that told me what to do or how to feel
The very next feeling is sadness. Remorse. Even self-loathing
the bared fang directed towards me
same violence turned on self
annihilation.
And then I feel squirmy
wanting to move and dance and shake shake shake this shit off
immediately
get free of it
run away and hide perhaps
take a drink
smoke a butt
seduce a woman
anything but this shit
Ahhhh..... Ok.
I see you there
Awwwww.
Sweet sweet boy
You are safe
You are loved
You are LOVING
You are love.
Repeat and repeat and repeat.
You are LOVING
Remember
Re-member
You are love.
I found a church within my body
There was a story I often told myself about a person in my life who rocked my world and hurt me to my core. It forced me to pivot in life and made me resentful because I did not see my choice in it. Over time, I thought my verdict of this person gave me distance, safety and even a sense of strength but I now know it kept me closer to it and also weakened parts of me. It became my biggest blind spot. While I gained many blessings from this redirection in life I still felt incomplete and owed and that made me even more resentful. I recently gave myself space to feel through it and to release its hold on me. I can see now how it could have continued to impede my growth if I allowed it to. But I chose to stop burying myself underneath that story and instead lift each heavy rock to find out what was underneath it all. A me that was hurt, a me that loves, a me that gets to choose, a higher self that listens, discerns and consoles.